Behind the scenes we are who we really are. When we are out we take those masks and we put them on. Things aren't always what they seem are they? And endings aren't really endings, they are simply new beginnings.
Good-bye old life. Hello whatever's next!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
letting go involves so much!
I had no idea that "Letting Go" would involve so much!
That's life on Planet Earth I guess! Oh how I long for Heaven!
That's life on Planet Earth I guess! Oh how I long for Heaven!
Friday, May 14, 2010
Francesca Battistelli - I'm Letting Go
I love this song, especially the part about a "Comfort Zone" What Comfort zone? I am still looking for mine!
We are gonna LEAP together! Go God!
more about "Francesca Battistelli - I'm Letting Go", posted with vodpod
Thursday, May 13, 2010
We will ALL go together
These past few weeks have been heart wrenchingly difficult for me---for our whole family. We have all been really second guessing ourselves on whether or not I should go on the Liberia trip, really whether any of us should go. I am struggling with anger and do I dare say a root of bitterness? I have got to get that weed killer out on a daily basis!
This all started for me when we found out that our adoption probably isn't going to happen. It also complicated matters further when I realized that the three wonderful children we have in our care right now would have to go into another home for 12 days. One of these children does not do well with change. I have prayed, I have fasted, I have sought counsel. I have changed my mind a million times. It was settled a couple days ago (or so we thought)
I would stay behind to take care of the little ones and my husband and two bio. children would go to Liberia. Then it hit: relief, guilt, uncertainty--all of those pesky emotions I loathe so much! Truth be told, I would rather stay here in my "comfortable
abode and care for the children God has placed here temporarily than face what may be the MOST difficult situation of my life."
Unless you have been through it I don't really think you can understand. I love my Liberian children as much as my two biological children. Just because I have only been "paper pregnant" with them does not mean they were not placed in my heart and in my family. If you have ever adopted you know what I mean. My grief is very real and very raw. But, having said that, God providentially brought a "friend" across my path Tuesday night. She has adopted 20 plus children and was (is) in the process of adopting 5 more---all from Liberia. She is very involved with trying to help children there. I explained how I had just made the decision to back out of the trip etc and she took one look at me and said why? God has provided the tickets, you can't get a refund. Go with your family. Make a difference. Do what you know your supposed to do.
After we talked and talked it became clearer to me again. I am supposed to go.
So today I will dig my heels in and NOT let Satan win. He is trying to tear my marriage apart and my relationships with my children. He simply cannot have them. So I have ticked off the enemy, oh well! I know what Revelation says and I know who wins and I am on the WINNING side!
Angel warned us that all kinds of divisions would come between us as a team. I never imagined it would be in my own home. I know I know, I am slow sometimes. If satan can tear your foundation away from you he can take your faith. He isn't gettin mine today!
I had an instant peace and I saw the wash of relief come over my daughter's face when I told her I would go. My husband was relieved too. As one of the Case workers from Child Help said to me the other day: "the only constant in life is change" These foster children will be fine.
I am going to help a nation in need of help. We aren't going there because it's
"Africa" and oh how fun that will be! (sarcasm) We are going because our brothers and sisters are there and they need us. We are going to train them to help themselves NOT to enable a spirit of dependency. So Lord willing He will provide all of our needs according to His riches in Glory! After-all, Mother Theresa had nothing but herself to give and that, as meager an offering as it is is yours Lord, With ALL my heart it is yours!
This all started for me when we found out that our adoption probably isn't going to happen. It also complicated matters further when I realized that the three wonderful children we have in our care right now would have to go into another home for 12 days. One of these children does not do well with change. I have prayed, I have fasted, I have sought counsel. I have changed my mind a million times. It was settled a couple days ago (or so we thought)
I would stay behind to take care of the little ones and my husband and two bio. children would go to Liberia. Then it hit: relief, guilt, uncertainty--all of those pesky emotions I loathe so much! Truth be told, I would rather stay here in my "comfortable
abode and care for the children God has placed here temporarily than face what may be the MOST difficult situation of my life."
Unless you have been through it I don't really think you can understand. I love my Liberian children as much as my two biological children. Just because I have only been "paper pregnant" with them does not mean they were not placed in my heart and in my family. If you have ever adopted you know what I mean. My grief is very real and very raw. But, having said that, God providentially brought a "friend" across my path Tuesday night. She has adopted 20 plus children and was (is) in the process of adopting 5 more---all from Liberia. She is very involved with trying to help children there. I explained how I had just made the decision to back out of the trip etc and she took one look at me and said why? God has provided the tickets, you can't get a refund. Go with your family. Make a difference. Do what you know your supposed to do.
After we talked and talked it became clearer to me again. I am supposed to go.
So today I will dig my heels in and NOT let Satan win. He is trying to tear my marriage apart and my relationships with my children. He simply cannot have them. So I have ticked off the enemy, oh well! I know what Revelation says and I know who wins and I am on the WINNING side!
Angel warned us that all kinds of divisions would come between us as a team. I never imagined it would be in my own home. I know I know, I am slow sometimes. If satan can tear your foundation away from you he can take your faith. He isn't gettin mine today!
I had an instant peace and I saw the wash of relief come over my daughter's face when I told her I would go. My husband was relieved too. As one of the Case workers from Child Help said to me the other day: "the only constant in life is change" These foster children will be fine.
I am going to help a nation in need of help. We aren't going there because it's
"Africa" and oh how fun that will be! (sarcasm) We are going because our brothers and sisters are there and they need us. We are going to train them to help themselves NOT to enable a spirit of dependency. So Lord willing He will provide all of our needs according to His riches in Glory! After-all, Mother Theresa had nothing but herself to give and that, as meager an offering as it is is yours Lord, With ALL my heart it is yours!
Monday, May 10, 2010
Let us go together...
I posted this at my other blog but I felt like I needed to here as well. Sorry for the overlap. I hope it Blesses someone.
Ami
Yes. I would have loved to be able to worship the Lord in church yesterday with my fellow family in Christ, however: I felt like God called me out to serve. So I did. I know several people don't get that and feel the need to tell me. I know you are motivated by love and care for me. I do admit though, it makes me sad. I prayed, I danced, I worshiped. I experienced the filling of the Spirit and received fresh faith for the Journey. God is bigger than the four walls of the church. I am however looking forward to worshiping with my family in the church building next Sunday.
I was blessed anew last night as I was reading Charles Spurgeon's:
"Morning and Evening" evening May 9th.
Here it is:
"Come, My beloved, let us go out into the fields...Let Us...See whether the vines have budded. Song of Solomon 7:11-12"
The Bride was about to engage in hard work and desired her beloved's company in it. She does not say, "I will go," but "let us go," In like fashion, it is a blessing to work when Jesus is at our side! It is the business of God's people to be the trimmers of God's vines. Like our first parents, we are put into the garden of the Lord for usefulness; let us then go out into the fields. When God's people are thinking properly, they desire to enjoy communion with Christ. Some may imagine they cannot serve Christ actively and still have fellowship with Him; they are mistaken. There is no doubt that we may easily neglect our inward life in outward exercises and be forced to say, "They made me keeper of the vineyards, but my own my vineyard have I not kept!" There is no reason why this should be the case except for our foolishness and neglect. It is certain that a professing Christian may do nothing and end up just as lifeless in spiritual things as those who are most busy. Mary was not praised for sitting still, but for her sitting at Jesus' feet. Even so, Christians are not to be praised for neglecting duties under the pretense of having secret fellowship with Jesus: It is not sitting, but sitting at Jesus' feet that is commendable. Do not think that activity is in itself an evil: It is a great blessing and a means of grace to us. Paul called it a Grace given to him to be allowed to preach; and every form of Christian service may become a personal blessing to those engaged in it. Those whose have most fellowship with Christ are not recluses or hermits, who have time on their hands, but tireless workers who are toiling for Jesus and who, in their endeavor have Him side by side with them, so that they are workers together with God. Let us remember then, in anything we have to do for Jesus, we can do it and should do it in close communion with HIM.
Ami
Yes. I would have loved to be able to worship the Lord in church yesterday with my fellow family in Christ, however: I felt like God called me out to serve. So I did. I know several people don't get that and feel the need to tell me. I know you are motivated by love and care for me. I do admit though, it makes me sad. I prayed, I danced, I worshiped. I experienced the filling of the Spirit and received fresh faith for the Journey. God is bigger than the four walls of the church. I am however looking forward to worshiping with my family in the church building next Sunday.
I was blessed anew last night as I was reading Charles Spurgeon's:
"Morning and Evening" evening May 9th.
Here it is:
"Come, My beloved, let us go out into the fields...Let Us...See whether the vines have budded. Song of Solomon 7:11-12"
The Bride was about to engage in hard work and desired her beloved's company in it. She does not say, "I will go," but "let us go," In like fashion, it is a blessing to work when Jesus is at our side! It is the business of God's people to be the trimmers of God's vines. Like our first parents, we are put into the garden of the Lord for usefulness; let us then go out into the fields. When God's people are thinking properly, they desire to enjoy communion with Christ. Some may imagine they cannot serve Christ actively and still have fellowship with Him; they are mistaken. There is no doubt that we may easily neglect our inward life in outward exercises and be forced to say, "They made me keeper of the vineyards, but my own my vineyard have I not kept!" There is no reason why this should be the case except for our foolishness and neglect. It is certain that a professing Christian may do nothing and end up just as lifeless in spiritual things as those who are most busy. Mary was not praised for sitting still, but for her sitting at Jesus' feet. Even so, Christians are not to be praised for neglecting duties under the pretense of having secret fellowship with Jesus: It is not sitting, but sitting at Jesus' feet that is commendable. Do not think that activity is in itself an evil: It is a great blessing and a means of grace to us. Paul called it a Grace given to him to be allowed to preach; and every form of Christian service may become a personal blessing to those engaged in it. Those whose have most fellowship with Christ are not recluses or hermits, who have time on their hands, but tireless workers who are toiling for Jesus and who, in their endeavor have Him side by side with them, so that they are workers together with God. Let us remember then, in anything we have to do for Jesus, we can do it and should do it in close communion with HIM.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
This Mother's Day.
This Mother's Day you may not have a mom to celebrate or even want to celebrate. Some of you have lost your mom to the call of death or emotional illness. Some of you may not have been able to forgive each other over past sins and don't even remember what they are.
I would like to encourage you with the lyrics from Britt Nicole's song "Feels Like I've Been Here Before"
Feels like I've been here forever,
Why can't you just intervene?
Do you see the tears keep falling
I'm falling apart at the seams,
You never said the road would be easy
You said you would never leave,
And you never promised that this life isn't hard,
But you promised you'd take care of me,
So I'll stop searching for the answer,
I'll stop praying for an escape,
I'll trust you God with where I am
And believe you will have your way,
Just have your way,
Just have your way,
My friends and my family have left me,
And I feel so ashamed and so cold,
Remind me you take broken things,
And turn them into beautiful,
So I'll stop searching for the answer,
I'll stop praying for an escape,
I'll trust you God with where I am
And believe that you will have your way,
Just have your way,
Just have your way,
Even if my dreams have died,
Eve if I don't survive,
I'll still worship you with all my life,
My life, yeah,
And I'll stop searching for the answers,
I'll stop praying for an escape,
And I'll trust you God with where I am,
And believe that you will have you way,
Just have your way,
Just have your way, yeah
I know you will,
I won't forget,
You love me,
Have your way,
Yeah
I would like to encourage you with the lyrics from Britt Nicole's song "Feels Like I've Been Here Before"
Feels like I've been here forever,
Why can't you just intervene?
Do you see the tears keep falling
I'm falling apart at the seams,
You never said the road would be easy
You said you would never leave,
And you never promised that this life isn't hard,
But you promised you'd take care of me,
So I'll stop searching for the answer,
I'll stop praying for an escape,
I'll trust you God with where I am
And believe you will have your way,
Just have your way,
Just have your way,
My friends and my family have left me,
And I feel so ashamed and so cold,
Remind me you take broken things,
And turn them into beautiful,
So I'll stop searching for the answer,
I'll stop praying for an escape,
I'll trust you God with where I am
And believe that you will have your way,
Just have your way,
Just have your way,
Even if my dreams have died,
Eve if I don't survive,
I'll still worship you with all my life,
My life, yeah,
And I'll stop searching for the answers,
I'll stop praying for an escape,
And I'll trust you God with where I am,
And believe that you will have you way,
Just have your way,
Just have your way, yeah
I know you will,
I won't forget,
You love me,
Have your way,
Yeah
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
When I Heard
When I heard the words from my adoption directors mouth "The Liberian adoption program may have to close" I was okay. I really was, then it hit me---about 4 days later. I didn't know why at the time---I am not real smart sometimes about putting together why I am feeling the way I am with what's going on.
I was angry, frustrated, depressed and in anguish. I have cried every day for a week. I didn't go to church on Sunday or even leave my room. I cannot bear the thought of never being able to parent Lydia and Leo. So there you have it. I do believe that God can and WILL protect, nurture, and care for them whether they are here in our home or in Africa.
I am a logical person---my husband even thinks so for you skeptics out there. I just don't get WHY a government would bow down to organizations to get money and ignore the FACT that their most VALUABLE asset is being destroyed!
Which brings me to another thought, why do people give money to these organizations? You know each time you shop at "Babies R' Us" they donate a portion to "save the children" And what about Unicef? Come on!
My daughter and I were really into a soccer game last night on TV. It was great---UNTIL the goalie walks out with a shirt with the word "UNICEF" plastered all over it! That ruined it for me. It is my belief that no one should give any money to anyone without knowing where it is going. We are all held responsible for how we use God's resources. Yes, we are asking people to pray and to support us financially so that we can get to Liberia this summer to visit Lydia and Leo and to help work on some projects there. You can read more here:http://carrliberiatrip2010.blogspot.com/
This trip has taken on a whole new meaning for us. While I have longed to meet my children for the first time I never imagined what it would be like to go there knowing I would probably never be able to bring them home someday.
I have come so close to canceling my trip. I have sat down to type out a letter or pick up the phone yet I can't. I am being selfish. It's not about me. This is for them NOT ME! satan will NOT win this battle! Though my heart is no longer in it and I am deeply saddened God WILL restore my JOY. HE WILL!
Oh, and then there is Mother's Day! Oh, Do I stand when they say 2 children? What about 5? Or even 7? If I count my two bio children, three foster children, and Lydia and Leo that's 7. I think I just can't go to church again. Please pray for me!
I was angry, frustrated, depressed and in anguish. I have cried every day for a week. I didn't go to church on Sunday or even leave my room. I cannot bear the thought of never being able to parent Lydia and Leo. So there you have it. I do believe that God can and WILL protect, nurture, and care for them whether they are here in our home or in Africa.
I am a logical person---my husband even thinks so for you skeptics out there. I just don't get WHY a government would bow down to organizations to get money and ignore the FACT that their most VALUABLE asset is being destroyed!
Which brings me to another thought, why do people give money to these organizations? You know each time you shop at "Babies R' Us" they donate a portion to "save the children" And what about Unicef? Come on!
My daughter and I were really into a soccer game last night on TV. It was great---UNTIL the goalie walks out with a shirt with the word "UNICEF" plastered all over it! That ruined it for me. It is my belief that no one should give any money to anyone without knowing where it is going. We are all held responsible for how we use God's resources. Yes, we are asking people to pray and to support us financially so that we can get to Liberia this summer to visit Lydia and Leo and to help work on some projects there. You can read more here:http://carrliberiatrip2010.blogspot.com/
This trip has taken on a whole new meaning for us. While I have longed to meet my children for the first time I never imagined what it would be like to go there knowing I would probably never be able to bring them home someday.
I have come so close to canceling my trip. I have sat down to type out a letter or pick up the phone yet I can't. I am being selfish. It's not about me. This is for them NOT ME! satan will NOT win this battle! Though my heart is no longer in it and I am deeply saddened God WILL restore my JOY. HE WILL!
Oh, and then there is Mother's Day! Oh, Do I stand when they say 2 children? What about 5? Or even 7? If I count my two bio children, three foster children, and Lydia and Leo that's 7. I think I just can't go to church again. Please pray for me!
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